I will … Like always my mind goes blank. My resolve to be firm in whatever I do gives way. I give up so easily. Yet I keep coming back to this precipice of making a decision. Of willing myself to do something. It is a constant battle, every moment and every day. Somewhere along my life, I lost my ability to decide. To stay strong and persistent on a path. Now, I cant even remember when it happened. I go through my days holding on to a tiny straw of hope.
A hope that I will return to being the strong willed person I faintly remember. A person who would make New Year resolutions and go after them determined. It is not that I don't know what needs to be done. I need to stay healthy. I need to work on my writing. I need to focus on my company. I need to move things forward.
Yet I find myself going around in circles. I get up to go for a run but slide back wilting under the coldness of my room. Sliding back into the bed under the comfort of heavy covers. When I get my self to writing I open a file and then stare blankly at the screen. Willing my fingers to tap and create music with words. Words that would bring smiles to my readers. Help them find themselves. However, after a few strokes, I wander off. Lost in my thoughts on what might have been and what could be.
I get to work daily at the stroke of 9 AM. Determined to solve problems for my team and move things forward. It hardly takes an hour for me to lose steam. Caught in the mundane work of sorting out mails, documents, and team issues. By afternoon I don't even remember what I set my self to do.
But this year should be different. I need to put up a fight. Stand up to the dark side. Not allow it to engulf me so easily. Resist the urge to give up. This year I will my will to push through. Focus on one step at a time.
One step out of bed. One step to wear my shoes. One step out of the door. One step down the road. One step before I break into a run.
I will write that one word and then another and another, until the first sentence is made. Then move on to the next after the full stop. Yes, I will go on to the next word once that first paragraph is finished.
So it will be at work. I have decided to keep a diary. A to-do-list so I know what my next task is. I will concentrate on one task at a time. Not allowing distractions to scatter my thoughts. The list will tether me and bring me back to what I need to do.
But most importantly this year, I will, will my will to stay strong on my #newyearresolutions